I just hope that one day I’ll be able to say to myself, “Huh, I don’t know why I was so worried in the first place.”
#Looking at how everything is now#I don't have a reason to feel this way#Yet#I still do#So I guess that means something really is wrong with me#But I think I have the power to overcome it#And rationalize as much as I can#Because I don't want to fuck things up for myself again#I shouldn't deny myself happiness just because my mind constantly lies to me#saying I don't deserve it#I have to try harder#I can't accept my mind. I have to fight it.#But looking at how everything is now#I'm glad I didn't fight it before.#ramblings
- This week has been filled with very fun days, mostly because I hung out with people more than I usually do.
- Way more.
- Today felt like I was genuinely happy rather than feeling like I’m just distracting myself from depression.
- I feel like I have a little more to look forward to nowadays.
- Wishing I felt fab without makeup.
- The kind of fab that can punch a man and not feel sorry.
- I’m constantly jumping back and forth between wanting you back despite knowing it’s probably just not meant to be and accepting that we’re probably not meant to be and just waiting for someone new to come along (God knows when that’ll happen).
- Trust issues.
- Feelin’ like Anna after Hans betrayed her except I’m not freezing to death
- Only the part about love I guess
- I don’t know anymore
- It’s hard to be a good friend
- Childish Gambino will be the death of my eardrums in a good way. I need to stop blasting it with the bass so high but it brings me happiness.
- I want a dog so badly it’s not even funny anymore.
- Here’s to hoping things get better
I have this issue with knowing things but not believing them.
- I feel like the only way I know how to make friends is to be a sassy sarcastic bitch and hope they don’t take it seriously and play along with the humor
- But I feel like it’s easier when making friends with guys than girls in that case
- Girls are scary
- Also what is attachment
- And eye contact
- Fuq small talk
I hate people, but I’m also extremely curious about them. I’m curious about how complete strangers think and what sort of life they lead and if they’re happy with where they are. Every day I’m on campus I see hundreds—thousands, even—of anonymous faces, and sometimes I wonder these sort of things as I walk by them. But a new question comes to mind now about these complete strangers:
"Is anyone thinking about them right now, and how much they want to see them, and how important they are to them? Am I and the rest of the world unaware of this person’s importance to someone?"
Weird question, right? But I can’t help but think it lately. To be honest, I don’t see my S.O. a lot. It’s sad, but we have our separate lives and we have to take care of that. But he means a lot to me and all that lame shit I’m hella tsundere about. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. Sometimes when he’s at work, I think of all the customers he’s serving and think how “unfair” it is all these people—all these strangers who mean absolutely nothing—get to see him—and I don’t. Hella stupid, right? So fucking stupid and lame. But it’s this sort of thing that made me think of those questions. “Does the person I just glanced at right now have someone in their life that wishes to be in my shoes in that moment I saw them?” Hella hella stupid questions, I know. But it’s alright, no one really reads these anyways. I just wanted to jot my thoughts down on that.